Recently I’ve been having a problem with my son (14) cleaning up after himself (are you rolling your eyes)? For example, eating in the basement with his pals and not tossing the garbage in the trash can before they all trample up the stairs to go outside to skateboard – while leaving their teenage mess behind.
I refuse to clean up after them! Out popped the “horns”on my head as steam shot out from my ears and nose …
I sounded like a broken record, I feel and sound like a “nag” (I hate feeling like that).
“Throw your trash out please,” I said nicely the first time. “PLEASE throw your trash out,” I said louder – to make sure he heard me, of course! But this was the one that got me – like a chalk stick squeaking across the blackboard: “I SAID, clean up because I SAID so!” in a very firm, loud ROAR.
I heard these same words while growing up! I always felt like I did something wrong after hearing them. How many negative word phrases have you and I heard through the years that have stayed with us?
I sat and pondered what had just happened – the tone and manner in which I said those words to my son. I didn’t like what I said. I had to stop and look at my own behavior. Not easy.
I believe strongly that I am a role model for my son and if I act, say, or behave a certain way, he’ll learn it too. So I called him into my office where we discussed – what I called “lesson #999”- action and reaction.
“Child,” I said. “There is a cycle being created here and it’s not productive. When I ask you to do something it’s not because I want to make your life miserable, it’s because we all live in this home and we ALL need to clean up after our messes. Would you agree? Yet what happens when you don’t do your part?”
With a sheepish look on his face he said “you get mad.”
“True, but is there a better way? Is there anything we could do differently to break the cycle. “Yes,” my son said, “I could just clean up my mess and take responsibility for it?”
Bravo!
The unproductive cycle was asking him to do something, he wouldn’t, and I’d ask again, he wouldn’t respond and the lack of action caused a reaction in me, and him and thus it kept repeating. We learned together how to break the cycle and communicate more productively.
As a result of our conversation a few things happened during this conflict which I shared with my son, and now you:
1. As a parent I caught my own mistake, acknowledged and verbalized it. This showed him I am human and, make mistakes, and parents are not always right.
2. I changed my behavior (and my son changed his).
3. I recognized the power of words and I didn’t want to cause emotional harm by the words I used. But instead created a positive learning experience for us both through my words, tone, and behavior.
4. My son did some problem solving on his own
5. I used “flexibility” in thought. Meaning – I was able to shift my thinking quickly to find another angle to solve this problem. I didn’t stay stuck in the “because I said so …” model of parental communication.
The words we choose to communicate with others are incredibly important (especially with children). I recalled a really powerful blog post at Dreamosity by Marcelle Allen that helped me rethink how I was using words to communicate to my son “we can best serve by not speaking harm into existence” – love that.
As Kipling once said “words are the most powerful drug known to mankind”
Then there’s always Andy Andrews:
Watch this video …
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