lesly:-)usmile

 Women and Marriage…

There are many women  in unhappy marriages. 

Marriage changes who you are as a person. When you have children it takes you further away from the dreams you may have.  This has happened to me in some ways and to many other women as well.  But, here lies the challenge:  redirecting  the direction of my life. I have a son, he is the LOVE of my life, my best creation, and for him I am grateful. But, having children changes the game.  And if you are a woman, married with children,  you know what I’m talking about.  Not true for all women – just some. 

 I am what I call, “surving the cracks”.  There are some women who are thinking divorce, or getting divored, or are already divorced.  Yet there are many women who need to stay in a marriage for what ever reasons and can’t divorce -yet. Certainly, if you are in a physical or emotional abusive relationship – get out.

I’m talking about the kind of relationship that is tolerable  until you get to a place where you can change your situation.

Now, if you are a woman  in a marriage, unhappy, but don’t want a divorce yet, but bewildered, and wonder how to survive it – more importantly how to find YOURSELF in the midst of turmoil, I hope the following helps you. These are things I have done. I am not ready to divorce – but I need to focus on myself. So should you. In that will come personal strength, better problem solving, perhaps even solutions. The best part? Directing your own life and experiencing the outcomes.

1) Get a coach (I have had one for years and it has been extremely helpful for my search of self). A Coach will help you discover what you want in your life and how to go about getting it. Coaches are a GREAT resource for support, inspiration, and motivating you to get going.

2) Get supportfrom friends – but don’t tell them everything, they won’t understand and they’ll just tell someone else about your marital problems or worse!  If it’s a family member, in law etc., you run the risk of them taking sides and all that crap. Beware!

3) Create a room /place in your home that is just for you. A room with a door is best. Put your computer, CD player, a TV even in there and anything else that will comfort you in this room. This is YOUR private place, no one goes in your “castle” not even kids. Make sure you have a phone with you too.

The private castle is important because it’s a safe haven. This is where you decompress from the anxieties of your marriage, from stress. Yet it also the place where you can change your state of mind by listening to music, writing your blog, calling friends, talking to your coach in private. This is the place where finding your “self” in the midst of turmoil happens.

4) Take responsibilityfor contributing to an unhappy marriage. This is the hardest part.  As women, we are taught that a man will make us happy. A man will take care of us. What exactly does that mean? He’s the provider, the financial wizard, the decision maker, the pursuer – that’s all bunk.  We bought into that thinking that has been passed down to women for generations. It doesn’t hold true any more. Women are in a better place today (although slow in some areas) , yes, but still better.

My generation, the Baby Boomers, the women are waking up to discover themselves. So when I say, you must take responsibility for part of the unhappiness in your marriage, it means just that. It takes two to Tango.

What happens is – we expect the man to make us happy (what does that mean to you?). The truth is, the only one that can make us happy is ourselves.

To “Survive the Crack” you must be able to look at your own actions and behaviors that have added to unhappiness. Pin point them, make a choice if you are going to continue that behavior, and look within yourself to make yourself happy.

5) Journal. Unleash your feelings in a journal – get negative thoughts out of your head, read what you wrote, and reflect..

6) Keep your kids safe and uninvolved with your unhappiness.  Kids are very sensitive- they know when there is a problem. Avoid bad-mouthing your spouse in front of them. You may not want a relationship with this man, but your kids do – why screw it up for them? If he, your spouse is a real screw-up, your kids will find this out eventually and will act accordingly.

7) Always, always, always, communicate with your kids.  Let them know it’s not about them. Teach them about relationships (information appropriate by age),  there are many healthy relationships. Just because you are having problems doesn’t mean you kids will have troubled relationships.  Now, you may argue me on this point, but let me say this: Parents are the FIRST role models for children. They will learn, copy, and implement many of the behaviors you demonstrate. They absorb your behaviors. You imprint your kids!  This is where COMMUNICATION and EDUCATION can break the pattern of abuse, and other unwanted behaviors.  Parents have to recognize that children imitate first, then demonstrate the same behaviors in any given family.

8)Avoid having an affair with another man. You’re asking for trouble with this one.  Regardless if your spouse has ignored you for years, not affection, etc.  I know, you’re starved for some love and appreciation. I know, this is a challenging area. But having an affair will only add trouble. What if you do get a divorce? What if your spouse finds out? No. Just don’t go there.

9) Replace sexual energy with exercise. Channel that energy into action doing something else. Those desires will pass.

10) work on your future (although tempting). Life is a constant process of change. Your current situation will not last forever. So, what can you do today towards your tomorrow? Start a plan for change. You are not stuck in a life of doom even if you think so.

11) Be financially secure. If you don’t have a personal, separate bank account, checking, savings, get one. Be self-sufficent.

12) Read positive periodicals, books on success. Stay n apositive mindset as much as possible.  Know that a bad day doesn’t have to be a bad day ALL day. You can shift your state of mind.. go to your  personal “CASTLE”

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

L